


The man who I want to kill

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking to Cope, Episode: s03e19 Aku Cinta Kamu, Fix-It, Introspection, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 12:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22850086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: After meeting Asmodeus and getting his powers back, Magnus finds his way to a bar. Instead of being able to forget his situation for a moment, it only gets clearer.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 135





	The man who I want to kill

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Mies kenet haluan tappaa](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22849510) by [sugarandspace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace). 



> It was the International Mother Language Day yesterday, so I wrote a fic in Finnish. The fic is inspired by the song “Mies kenet haluan tappaa” by ODE [(link)](https://open.spotify.com/track/4BBfpAgymJQ1UedbRIW6r0?si=vY8DiT4NS-q0qiJvI_xmeg).
> 
> _"Itku kurkussa, lasinsiruja viskipullossa" (lump in my throat, shards of glass in a bottle of whiskey)_
> 
> _"Vihasena puukolla peiliä hakkaan, siellä seisoo mies kenet haluan tappaa." (I’m angry and hitting the mirror with a knife, there stands the man who I want to kill)_
> 
> (the lyric translations are clumsy but you get the idea!!)

One of the first things Magnus did after getting his magic back was getting away from his father. The previous evening and the sleepless night that had followed had been difficult and he didn’t have the energy to listen to Asmodeus talk.

Without a place to go, he found his way to a bar that was open despite it being early in the morning. He’d never been to the place but it was only a good thing since he didn’t want to bump into anyone who might recognize him. The main goal was that the place would give him something to drink.

“One whiskey, please,” he ordered as he sat down to the bar. The bartender nodded wordlessly and took a glass from underneath the counter. Magnus looked around and noticed that he wasn’t the only one in the dimly lit bar. A bit further away from the counter were two men, pints of beer in front of them. They were talking about something but Magnus couldn’t hear what. It’s not like he cared, either way.

He should be happy. Or well, happier. He got what he wanted, he got his magic back and he didn’t even need to sacrifice anything to get it. But the timing was the worst.

Would Alec have stayed with him if he’d gotten his powers back earlier?

Magnus took a drink out of his glass, trying to swallow the lump that had risen to his throat. This drink should celebrate the return of his powers, he should be drinking it at home and with Alec. But instead he was alone and celebrating was the last thing on his mind. 

Even whiskey couldn’t fix that.

The drink wasn’t nearly as high-quality as he was used to, but Magnus assumed that its bitter taste most likely didn’t come from that. He couldn’t help but think about the last time when he’d drank to drown his sorrows.

How much had that spectacle contributed to Alec’s decision to give up on him?

Magnus drank the rest of his whiskey with one swallow and it felt like someone had mixed shards of glass into it. He left the money on the counter and stood up, heading towards the restroom at the corner of the bar.

As he opened the door, the first thing he saw was a floor-to-ceiling mirror and his own reflection in it. The man in the mirror could hardly be recognized as himself. He didn’t need to worry about gray hair or bad eyeliner anymore, but he assumed that no amount of makeup was going to cover the tiredness that went past physical feeling. It felt surreal to think about how happy he’d been just a few weeks ago. The life in the Shadow World was rarely peaceful, but a man could find happiness amongst the chaos. Magnus had had a purpose - the title of a High Warlock had been more than a title to him, even though he’d tried to pretend that losing it hadn’t been painful. He’d had his magic and he didn’t need to constantly feel like a part of his soul was missing. In the middle of all the chaos Valentine and Lilith had caused, he’d found love again and that in itself was more than he’d dared to hope. That’s why he could say that he was a hundred percent honest when he told Alec that he’ll deal with losing his title and giving up his powers, as long as he has Alec.

Magnus didn’t know what had changed. Just a few days ago Alec had assured him that he loves Magnus as he now was. He’d sworn that he’d stay with Magnus even though the situation was difficult. 

The loss felt so strong that Magnus had to close his eyes to stop the tears from escaping. It felt like someone took all the air from the small room. Magnus almost hoped that he wouldn’t have opened his heart again. This was exactly what he’d tried to avoid.

The worst thing was that he didn’t understand the reason for his current situation.

He opened his eyes and looked into the mirror where familiar cat eyes were staring back at him. He lost his breath for an entirely new reason.

What if last night’s and this morning’s events had a connection. He had thought that he didn’t need to sacrifice anything to get his magic back, but what if he just hadn’t been asked? It felt like too big of a coincidence that Alec suddenly wanted to take all his words back and break up, and Asmodeus gave Magnus his powers back out of the goodness of his heart.

His hands sparked with angry power and a great amount of magic hit the mirror in front of him, breaking the reflection where his father’s eyes stared back at him. 

He was going to kill the Greater Demon.

But first he had to talk with Alexander.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me from [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/sugarandspace_)!


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